She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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