you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
