I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
