I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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