My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
