Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
