Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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