He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
