i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
