: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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