someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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