Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
