I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
