this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
