My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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