splinters make it hard to masturbate
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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