Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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