I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
