I'd wear matching sweaters with you
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
