The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
