Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
