The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i would punch a child for taco bell
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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