Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
it's like heaven, but drunker
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
