apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
