Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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