This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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