my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
