I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
