Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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