wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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