Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize