I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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