I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
