My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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