We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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