Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
