im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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