Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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