the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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