Do you still have your period?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
porn star boner night. come get it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
