you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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