Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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