cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
