I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
