She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
