I'm pants shitting drunk right now
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize