I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
