I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
