I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
