When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
