mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize