Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
