I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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