If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
