Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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