Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
