You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
