chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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