My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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