But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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